A Healing Soul

We all had a stethoscope moving on our chest or a thermometer sticking under our tongue every time we were sick. Just like how physical discomfort triggers fever, mental discomfort triggers depression. Being in depression is as common as finger cuts while cooking. So, what X-ray should I use to diagnose my depression, and what is the treatment? Depression is not something that happens out of blue one day. It develops step by step, slowly and gradually, and boom! you realize one day you are in depression. Fortunately, we can see clear signs; I repeat CLEAR signs, leading to depression. It is all about how we choose to deal with it.

The first time I went into depression, I did not seek any help. I did not acknowledge that I was in depression. I told myself, “Me? Depression? I must be kidding. I have a beautiful life. I can’t be depressed”. I was aimless for a while and took up a ton of work to keep myself busy and forgot how I felt deep inside. Like Taylor Swift says, I started putting bandaids on bullet holes hoping it will heal. With time, I indeed forgot the wound existed. The catch is, I merely forgot but it didn’t disappear.

The wound started manifesting in me. Again, I did not acknowledge it. I told myself everything is fine and will be fine. I could feel the toxicity building around me and eating me up every day. I could feel the symptoms in my bones. I just let it grow because I honestly didn’t know how to deal with it. I used to cry every other night. I would be walking on a road and randomly have a breakdown. I ignored all these signs until I had a panic attack one day. Apart from watching Harvey Specter get a panic attack on the Suits TV show, I didn’t know what it was till I was experiencing it. My whole body was shivering. I could barely breathe. I was alone at home. Should I call 911? I couldn’t reach my phone that was hardly a few inches away from my hand. I was rooted in my place thinking maybe this is the end. God knows how I survived that day. And that was a face-slapping moment for me to wake up and do something about my mental health because it started affecting me physically. This time, I acknowledged I was in depression. I decided to seek help because it doesn’t matter what people say, it is my life and I want to live.

I took a break from life. No, not a short “we will be back in 2 minutes” break. I paused everything. Nothing was more important than saving me. I had questions about myself and what I want to do. I went far away from home with a single backpack. I didn’t know where I was going. I didn’t have much money. I spent nights traveling as I didn’t have a place to stay. Mountains, Treks, Monasteries, Meditation, Beaches, Parties, you name it, I did it. 30 days, I lived my life as if there was no tomorrow. I discovered little things about me. I realized I never looked up to the sky to appreciate its beautiful colors at sunrise and sunset. I enjoyed the Violet Skies more than anything. I never lost my love for guitar. I wrote poems. I realized what an angry head I was. I regretted all the times I spewed nonsense at people who cared for me and loved me. I am usually a person who speaks at least two words every second. This time, I did not speak for one full week. I calmed myself. I did hours and hours of meditation. I sat in parks all day long and read books. I learned how to wield an axe. I pet dogs. I met strangers who became friends. More than anything, I realized how much I love myself and how bad a job I did at taking care of myself. Before coming back home, I was sitting in Santa Monica beach and there was a wide smile on my face coming from deep within my heart. I called my Mom and finally spoke my heart. I was happy from inside. I was no longer lost. I was found. I appreciated life. I acknowledged every little thing I was blessed with. I could feel how much I was connected to this world.

It has been more than an year. After I came out of the depression, I never went back into it. You know why? I knew how to deal with the signs when depression starts budding again. Of course, I still cry occasionally. But now I know how to pick myself up. I treat myself with love, respect, and care. I identify the signs, the toxicity, and kick them out way beyond the perimeter. I surround myself with positivity. This realization did not happen in a day. It happened over time with circumstances that I was exposed to. I have wonderful family and friends who are there for me all the time. Still, I chose to go outside for help because I was comfortable with that. It is okay to look beyond your immediate surroundings to seek help.

There is no shame whatsoever. It is your beautiful life and you can choose to seek help from any place in this universe to preserve that beauty.

Life is a beautiful culmination of little things. This is my mantra. “No one thing is everything”. Let that morning ray of sunshine wake you up. Feel the evening breeze. Feed the birds and ducks. Stare at stars and figure out constellations. Treat yourself to new cuisines. Watch movies and TV beyond language barriers. Call your grandparents. Ask your mom when she started losing her bouncy thick hair. Ask your dad what’s the first-ever dish he cooked. Follow skincare routines. Workout regularly. Write thank-you notes for people you are thankful for. Donate a part of what you earn. Figure out what your little things are. Figure out what makes you happy.

I had questions that ate me up. I found some answers and I am still searching for some. But the questions no longer haunt me. My emotions no longer carelessly steer my life. I am composed, happy, and satisfied than I ever was before. I am healing. I love every bit of life. Remember, nobody but you can take care of yourself. We all have a purpose. It is okay. You are okay. Even if you are not okay, you will be okay. Embrace what this world has to offer with open arms. Know that you are loved and will always be loved. ✨